A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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