K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
