I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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