he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
