Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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