Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
