No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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