apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I need to calm my uterus...
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
