i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
