I puked a lego.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
