Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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