i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
