i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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