Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
