went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
All the doctor said was why
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
