I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
