Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
