Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
