No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
