just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
