I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
