It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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