after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
