It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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