My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
