Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
