Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I think people are normalizing furries
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
