Your face is a jimmy john
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
