You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
