census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
