how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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