I am puke
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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