Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
