I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
