New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
