i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I will be naked everywhere
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
