The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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