I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
