He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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