Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
