Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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