just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
