I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
