What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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