someone owes me an orgasm
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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