dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
