Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
