You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
