i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
