Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
