There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
no, he came in my armpit
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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