I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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