member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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