He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
