Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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