Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
