Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm passing your future prison.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
